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Fork In The Road: George's Hipster Survival Kit

Comments Off on Fork In The Road: George's Hipster Survival Kit 16 July 2009

(NOTE: To be sure that this is a viable way of trapping a hipster, douse the CD jewel case in a healthy coating of pretentiousness.)

(NOTE: To be sure this method of trapping a hipster is effective, douse the CD jewel case in a healthy coating of pretentiousness)

Why Bring a Hipster Survival Kit?

It’s difficult to ward off a hipster when they attack. They could just need the time or they could want to ask you if you stole your pants from American Apparel or not, however if you engage with the too much you may dig yourself a large inescapable hole. You need to bring the right combination of items to distract them in a manner that will draw them to your survival kit, rather than you. They are ruthless. When clumped together they either all mirror each other or form a Hipsterbot. You must always watch your back.

What to bring in your kit:

Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” vinyl. Now that Jacko is no longer with us, this record is an Indie hipster must-have. If you’d like to keep your copy, feel free. However, good luck getting out alive.

Directions to a local, privately owned coffee joint. Be sure to plot out as many as you can if you are thinking about taking a walk around the city. They seem to pop out of alleys and expect you to talk to them about certain musical issues that no one cares about and if this is the case yell out the name of the coffee joint and the address and run for the hills. Or to a Starbucks.

Anything with a bike printed on it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a scarf, shirt or if you drew it on a post-it note. If it has zero to one gear on the bike consider yourself safe. They’ll jump for it. Drop it and run.

An advance copy of Away We Go with John Krazinski and Maya Rudolph. If you are lucky enough to have this you may just be turned into a hipster god. This may be a little dangerous, however. Be careful with what you do with such power.

A Polaroid camera with numerous film refills. This may also prove to be more deadly than anything. Polaroid film > crack. Hipsters want it and if you don’t use it to your advantage (ie. bribery) you could be hurt.

Change your ringtone. Make it something new that someone most likely does not have. Aim high. Try for an album that hasn’t been released yet. DO NOT however have a Michael Jackson song as your ringtone or a band that is playing at the festival of which you are attending. This is a huge outlet for ridicule and torture.

Anything plaid. Even if it’s a napkin. Plaid is their currency.

An emo boy/girl. Emo kids are known for their hatred of everything hipster. They are into an entirely different genre of music and lifestyle. When approached by a group of hipsters acknowledge your friend before they even get a chance to say anything. Example: “This is Priscilla, she loves My Chemical Romance.” You will not be the target at that point.

A tattoo. This may seem a little extreme, however, if you appear to fit in then they will leave you alone. Try to get something that means nothing to you or makes no sense. Examples: an owl or other bird species, any punctuation mark, obscure music lyrics no one can recognize, or Petunia, the tattoo from Pete & Pete. This last one is a commitment but you will get numerous nods of approval.

Bandannas. Bring a lot of these. These, like plaid, can be used as currency amongst them. If they approach hand one to them and walk away. Look back – most often they will be admiring how it looks in their back pocket.

Keep your keys on a carabiner clipped to a belt loop. Even if they’re keys you don’t use or know what they do. The more keys you have the more important you look and the more noise you make while walking. Keys on a hipster are like points on a buck.

If you wear pants, roll one or both of the legs up. It doesn’t matter about the weather. It could be cold, hot, wet or dry and pants must always be rolled up to your knees. This causes hipsters to perceive you got to the festival via a bike. That is always a win.

Scotch Tape. Tape the bottom of your nose to the bridge of your nose. Keep it above theirs. Done.

Before you go read Catcher In The Rye. Act like Holden Caufield.

– There are 134 different explanations of the word ‘Hipster’ on urbandictionary.com. All of them are relevant. Be sure to read them and become familiar with each of their traits.

To be honest, I am unsure if Craig and I will be returning to continue with our work at WTTS.  We may be taken alive.  Wish us the best of luck on this journey.  The BEST of luck.

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